Shame. Embarrassment. Guilt. Self-Blame. These are the all-consuming emotions that sexual assault survivors face after they’ve been violated. Experiencing these emotions can also cause survivors to not report the attack to authorities.
If the experiences recounted by the brave women who endured the horrors of Harvey Weinstein have taught us anything, we have learned that sexual assault is far more common and pervasive than we used to believe.
Assault involves more than just the physical attack. It involves a mental attack, the feeling of lack of bodily ownership and powerlessness, which leaves the lasting emotional scar upon survivors. Many of these survivors did not come forward for years, and even when they did, they were still confronted by their all-encompassing shame.
Shame is a deep, completely engrossing emotion that attacks from within. It needs no assistance to plant its seed. Feelings of shame often become deeply rooted inside those who experience it.
These women didn’t choose to be sexually assaulted; no one does. No matter what they were wearing, no matter if or how much they drank, no matter their occupation, and no matter if they initially consented. It is not their fault. The fault lies solely on the perpetrator; the person who to chose to violate someone physically and mentally without their consent.
Feelings of shame can be caused by the hearing the insensitive comments of others and a survivor’s own unfounded regrets. Survivors, however, shouldn’t have to think about the potential shame that these horrific attacks sometimes inspire.
Survivors should not have to think about the possibility that leaving their house and having fun, could lead to a horrific attack that will change their lives forever.
Attacking someone is the attacker’s choice alone.
Shame is so deeply engrossing that it is one of the top emotional predictors of suicide. Survivors can become so immersed by the belief that their attack was their fault, that they are led to take their own lives.
It is our responsibility to do everything within our power to prevent this from happening. We must let those who have been assaulted know that they do not need to feel ashamed.
Most resources encourage survivors of domestic violence and assault to practice self-care, but it often seems life a daunting task. Self-care includes a lot of different things, and it can be difficult to know where to begin.
Exercise has been the most helpful element of self care for me. I find it energizing and empowering, but I know that many people have not had a great experience. So let’s make one thing clear right away: exercise should not be a punishment.
Our mainstream society often frames it as one, with statements like “I need to work out because I ate too much” that I’m sure you’ve heard many times before. That’s not healthy.
The body positive movement pushes back against this, saying that we should be compassionate toward our bodies and love them as they are. There’s quite a bit of truth to this, but it paints an incomplete picture of what self-love is. Body positivity, taken to an extreme, leads people toward complacency in their health and fitness because they don’t see a need to make lifestyle changes.
That isn’t self-love; that’s neglect.
When you love something, you want to take care of it. You want it to have the best, and be the best it can be. This requires action, rather than passive acceptance. So let’s reframe the way we think about exercise.
I have the following on a post-it note in my room: Exercise is a celebration of what your body can do. It reminds me to take care of my body and slow down on days where I don’t feel as well. Also, it helps me remember that comparison is the thief of joy. It’s harder to enjoy exercise when you’re constantly comparing your abilities to someone else. Healthy, stress-relieving exercise looks different for everybody. Do what you can, and don’t worry about what everyone else is or isn’t doing.
Have a look at a few of my favorites if you’re not quite sure where to start:
Running. Nothing energizes me more than running outside. The fresh air makes me feel alive and is a HUGE stress reliever. I know for some people, running is hell. If that’s you, a brisk walk will do to get your blood pumping.
MMA/kickboxing. I’m currently doing a program called Core de Force, and it’s the greatest thing. I feel stronger and more confident as I master the moves. Also, it’s a healthy way to release some of your pent-up aggression.
Yoga. Stretching is one of the best ways to relax. I promise you’ll get more flexible if you keep at it. The focus on breathing helps increase self-awareness, and it’s a great way to center yourself if you’ve had a chaotic day.
Again, everybody is different. My exercise routine might look totally different from yours and that’s okay. Just get out there and do what you can. Your body is an amazing thing and you deserve to celebrate all that it can do.
It’s always challenging to end a chapter of your life, even when you know doing so will be better for you.
After you’ve been stuck in one place for so long moving on, even the thought of it seems next to impossible.
And if you’ve been stuck in a bad place for a long time, it seems even more so.
It’s as if the thought of being happy and carefree is so unattainable and unfamiliar that it’s terrifying.
It feels almost natural to stay miserable.
Maybe it’s the moment you finally realize you are worth more, the moment you realize that the people around you really and truly care, or the moment you realize that there is a way to move on ….
Either way you, and all your strength, decide that change is better, especially when you are suffering.
But coping with change isn’t always easy.
Finally letting go and letting down your barriers is easier said than done.
The belief that you can make connections and that there are still good people is an almost alien concept.
And most of all the thing that is the hardest of all to encounter….happiness
It’s odd and you’re afraid of how fleeting it seems.
Eventually though, you begin to heal.
You return to who you were before everything happened: hopeful and not always on guard. Except now that you are stronger.
And eventually learn that it is okay to be happy.
And most of all you learn to love yourself again.
I stumbled upon the following tweet this morning and it hit me pretty hard:
This is a fair assessment of what I see when I scroll through social media. It’s not true of everyone, of course. But it is a trend that I’ve noticed among my peers and in our culture. We have the tendency to jump on a cause and go all out, only to quickly jump off that cause when something new is trending.
Remember when you had Facebook friends passionately declaring their stance on the transgender bathroom bill? I haven’t seen any recent petitions to boycott Target. Or when social media exploded with the discussion of whether or not the United States should accept Syrian refugees? These people still need a safe place to call home, yet people seemed to tire of passionately proclaiming their plight.Or when everyone had an opinion about flying the Confederate flag? Or when you couldn’t get on your computer without seeing Brock Turner’s face?
Let’s talk about that last example for a quick minute.
For a solid week, Brock Turner’s face was all we saw on social media. People expressed outrage (rightfully so) at his lenient sentence and his heinous crime. Friends from across the political spectrum were united in standing against rape culture.
And now? Virtual silence. It seems like people only get angry about injustice when it’s trending online.
Don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying that Brock Turner’s face should overtake our newsfeeds until the end of time. I understand that the major elements of the case have been thoroughly discussed and that everyone got the righteous anger out of their system.
However, I am saying that these injustices haven’t gone away. Our justice system remains the same. The attitudes and privileges that allowed Brock Turner to receive a lenient sentence (6 months for 3 felonies) still exist. We were all captivated by the poignant letter read by the rape survivor during his trial. Her pain is still very real, as it is for all survivors.
Nothing has changed, so why have we fallen silent?
Our short attention spans strongly affect our effectiveness. We manage to express a lot of opinions, but we tire of them so quickly that we fail to explore issues with any depth. When we flit from one cause to the next. we don’t give ourselves adequate time to lay the groundwork to make a lasting impact.
If we want to make a difference, we cannot afford to forget.
When I started a feminist organization on campus, a good number of people told me that we don’t need feminism anymore. They said that male privilege isn’t really a thing anymore.
The recent Stanford case proves all of them wrong. We must continue to speak out.
This particular case is more chilling than most. With DNA evidence and two bystanders that intervened, Brock Turner was found guilty. The maximum sentence is 14 years, yet Turner’s sentence was minimal-6 months in jail and probation. The judge feared a longer sentence would have a “severe impact” on Turner and seemingly overlooked the severe impact on the rape survivor.
And it did have a severe impact. In a letter read aloud during the trial, she stated “what he [Turner] did to me doesn’t expire, doesn’t just go away after a set number of years. It stays with me, it’s part of my identity, it has forever changed the way I carry myself, the way I live the rest of my life.”
The justice system failed her.
Prejudice against sexual assault survivors is ever-present in the justice system, particularly in tactics used by defense attorneys.
Additionally, the justice system failed because of privilege. Brock Turner does not fit the criminal stereotype. He studied at an Ivy League Institution, and he was a talented swimmer with his eye on the Olympics. The defense focused on Turner’s accomplishments, as if this should somehow excuse his behavior. They paint a picture of a driven young man who worked to achieve his goals, inconvenienced by a small misstep. In reality, he is a rapist who happens to be successful in other areas of life.
We cannot allow ourselves to be distracted by the appearance of a clean-cut, high-achieving young man. A rapist is still a rapist.
There’s a lot to unpack here, including white privilege and the advantages of wealth and social class. White men, on average, receive more lenient sentences. Wealthy defendents have access to more quality legal resources and stronger representation. Such privileges are an unfortunate reality. It’s time to recognize this and work to reform the system.
The internet has a way of making stories explode and then fade away. Don’t let this be one of them. Please, remember this case and keep speaking out for the rights of survivors everywhere. If you haven’t read the Stanford survivor’s letter to her attacker, check it out.
After someone has been mistreated or abused, it is understandable for the person to feel resentful for a period of time. These feelings are valid, however, they can end up hurting you in the long run if you choose not to let go.
Forgiving means not to forget or, in a situation of abuse, to put up with toxic treatment. It means releasing any feelings of anger or hatred you might hold on your heart.
The true power of forgiveness also became evident to me in a conversation that happened during a recent visit to New York.
My family is from New York. In April, I went to the city for a bachelorette weekend. Our group of girls took an Uber to go out one night.
Our driver was an elderly gentleman, and he was extremely kind. He asked us each where we were from. The driver and I immediately started chatting- he also was from Brooklyn. He began describing my old neighborhood.
I saw myself as a little girl collecting shells from the beach, and hearing my older brother’s stories of harassing the ‘baba yaga’ who lived upstairs. I remembered excitedly savoring my first drink at a Bar Mitzvah, and watching fireworks on the roof of our building on the Fourth of July.
The driver told me he lived a block away from Coney Island Hospital, where I was born.
“Two of my kids were born there,” he told me.
“And, one died there,” he continued.
My heart shattered when he told me his 9-year old son had been hit by a car. He had been dragged for half a mile before the driver of the car stopped. The little boy was put on life support, and was declared brain dead. Our driver told me that if his son had lived, he would have been 42 today.
Our driver told us that he realized his son’s death was an accident.
“She didn’t even see him,” he told us. “It wasn’t her fault.”
This ride through midtown was one of the most valuable conversations I have had in my life. Our driver missed his son each day, but he did not look back in anger. He was free from it.
I cannot fathom the heartbreak of losing a child. I now knew that if our driver could forgive the woman who hit his son, any anger I carried with me was definitely worth letting go of.
Forgiveness means giving yourself freedom; the freedom to let go of anything that burdens your mind and heart.
This freedom is always yours to choose.
Thank you all for reading! We look forward to celebrating two years of writing with you soon.
Patrick O’Sullivan managed to do something that most people can only dream about: he became a professional hockey player. He played for the the Los Angeles Kings, the Edmonton Oilers, the Carolina Hurricanes, the Minnesota Wild, and the Phoenix Coyotes.
His path to achieving his dream wasn’t a happy one. It was marked by bumps and bruises; bumps and bruises inflicted by his abusive father for years.
Patrick O’Sullivan, Yahoo images
From the moment he put on his first pair of skates, the abuse began. His father, a former hockey player, failed to have a professional career as an athlete. He unleashed his anger on O’Sullivan. He claimed that the beatings and severe “training” programs he subjected his son to would somehow help him become a better hockey player. O’Sullivan’s experiences training with his father instead caused him to suffer from depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
There is nothing that I can add to Patrick O’Sullivan’s story. You can read about it more in on the Player’s Tribune. If you would like to read an even more in- depth account of his experiences, read his recently published autobiography.
I can, however, add to his account of what happened afterwards. The residual effects of the terrors that he endured in his childhood managed to catch up to him. Like many victims of domestic violence he began to suffer from depression; a medical condition that continues to be misunderstood and stigmatized for whatever reason.
When he played with the Edmonton Oilers, O’Sullivan finally faced his fears. He decided to ask for help, which is one of the most difficult things for a person suffering from mental illness to do.
It takes a lot of courage and strength to not only admit to yourself that you have a problem and that you need help, but to also communicate that fear to other people. It is only harder with the negative stigma we still have facing mental illness.
Unfortunately, when O’Sullivan asked for help, he received this stigma in full force. After he told the team, he said that they “tightened right up, and didn’t say much.” The issue wasn’t addressed and he was traded a month later. His contract was bought out shortly after.
It is incredibly important for a person suffering from depression, or mental illness of any kind, is to realize that their lives still matter and have value. These diseases can make the mind battle itself. They often cause negative thoughts that make the sufferer believe that they and their lives are worthless.
The stigma against asking for help can seem like it only confirms these feelings to a person struggling with depression or mental illness. Getting help is a step in admitting that your life is worth it.
There is help out there, and good help at that. Treatments for mental health issues have advanced immensely since they first started.
Cognitive behavioral therapy, otherwise known as ‘talk therapy,’ is a great way to start. O’Sullivan briefly recounted in an interview on the Marek v. Wshynshki podcast about his experience with cognitive behavioral therapy. He talked in-depth about his experiences for two years, according to the podcast. O’Sullivan implied that this form of therapy was a crucial step on his path to recovery.
I know for myself, and many others, that cognitive behavioral therapy has been a huge part of recovery and gaining our lives back. Being able to talk to a non-judgmental individual who is trained to help allows you to address your problems in a way nothing else can.
Cognitive behavioral therapy additionally helps you conquer these problems and fight ones you didn’t even realize you had before. It has been the recommended treatment for people suffering from trauma-based depression for decades.
For depression caused by chemical imbalances, psychiatry
Image depicting the dramatic impact PTSD has one’s brain.
and psychiatric drugs can be necessary to recover fully.
Unfortunately, this remains the most stigmatized mental illness treatment. You hear all the time that “you don’t need pills to make you happy, just snap out of it.”
Or, “pills don’t really help you, you’re just convincing yourself that they do.” In a large majority of cases, this statement couldn’t be further from the truth. Psychiatric drugs are designed to target and treat the chemical imbalances that cause mental illnesses.
Brain scans show that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) causes chemical imbalances to the brain. These medicines can help a person with PTSD deal with their negative memories and mood swings.
As cliche as it sounds, ultimately, love can help to cure all. By surrounding themselves with good supportive people, those with mental illness can start to overcome their anger and grief. They will learn that the world still has more to offer them, that they are worth it, and that happiness isn’t just something for other people.
For Patrick O’Sullivan, finding a supportive wife and starting a family of his own helped him overcome decades of suffering.
For myself, and my close friends who have suffered from depression (not necessarily from abuse) it was rekindling old friendships, and most importantly learning to love ourselves again.
It’s not your fault if you suffer from depression; it’s not your fault if something bad happened to you. Hating yourself doesn’t solve anything; all it does let your illness or your abuser win. Loving yourself is how you get through.
I know it’s not easy. I know it takes a lot to get there. And I know it takes a lot of courage to admit that you need help to get there. But I promise, it’s more than worth it.
A lesson I have learned in 2015 was taken from a TED talk by Meg Jay called “Why 30 is not the new 20.” Jay said that in one’s 20s, it is important to “be as intentional with love as you are with your work.”
This means to be honest with yourself about what you want in a relationship, as well as how your partner is treating you. If you know what you want, communicate it, and make sure both sides are geared towards achieving it.
Being intentional also means knowing where to draw the line and when to walk away from someone who has wronged you repeatedly. It means abiding by that boundary even in an emotionally weakened state.
Many women and men who have been mistreated over and over again by their partners choose to stay in a relationship because they love the other person deeply. It is extremely difficult to see past those feelings, even when someone doesn’t treat you with respect.
If you love someone but they continue to harm you, you must stand up for yourself! You cannot control what someone else says or does to you, however, you can control your response.
Ultimately, you have the option to close the door on a relationship in which someone does not treat you with respect.
I edited this post two years after I first wrote it. In that time, I have realized that abuse can be difficult to comprehend in relationships. The victim could even believe that the mistreatment is his or her own fault. Because I witnessed loved ones who remained in abusive relationships, the line blurred for me when I was younger. What should I be able to tolerate? What shouldn’t I? Should I hold off on wearing that skirt, or that style of makeup, because I am afraid of what he will say to me?
I now know that if you ask yourself these questions, you’re probably not in a healthy situation. If your partner tries to convince you that there is something wrong with you, please have the courage to simply walk away.
I hope you are all enjoying the season, and becoming more excited for the holidays to come. Fall is truly the best for me because I get to enjoy it in Knoxville.
I love feeling the leaves crunch under my boots as I walk from class to my office downtown. I feel exhilarated as I tread through trails of leaves in my hiking boots as I hike in the Smokies, and revel in the purest, bluest views of the mountains.
Chimney Top in the Smoky Mountains!
It’s cold enough to break out jackets and tights, and sip hot coffee or cider. I can sit out on my patio and relax with my books, and bundle up with blankets. My friends and I pack into different breweries to try seasonal beers, and huddle in my apartment for warm homemade dinners. In less than a week, I get to see my family in Maryland and New York for Thanksgiving.
These are the things that I’m grateful for right now.
Despite the beauty of this season, fall leaves also hold traces of grief for me. Ten years ago, my friend Molly and I lost our best friend. Her mother Pam passed away suddenly from a heart attack on November 25, 2005.
Pam was the first person who truly pushed Molly and myself to pursue our shared passion, writing, as a career. She started blogs for us earlier that year and encouraged us to keep posting. When I turned 13, she handed me a copy of The Writers’ Market. Aside from my mentor Carolyn, Pam was one of the strongest women I have ever known.
Pam inspired Speak Out, Speak Now! because she was also a survivor of domestic violence. Before we even became teenagers, she told me and Molly that we should never tolerate any form of abuse because it is not love.
Ten years ago, Molly and I knew that we had no idea how to address grief. As an adult, I have realized that I still don’t know how to handle it.
I do know what Pam would have told me. Healing for the long-term will take time, and it is a conscious effort.
She would also have told us that the grieving process is often difficult. If your heart feels shattered, stop and take time for yourself. Assess yourself honestly. What are your true feelings about the situation? What course of action do you really want to take?
Give yourself time to think through these questions, as well as any others that come to mind. Address them.
When Molly and I speak of Pam today, we speak of the incredible impact she will always have on our lives.
Be grateful for everyone around you. It doesn’t matter how much you have or how little you have. Write down everything you are thankful for now and let it serve as a reminder. The best is yet to come.
Allison and I are both in great places. She is starting her senior year at Union University and applying to law school. In addition to that, Allison is a founder of the University Feminist Organization (UFO), a reporter for Jackson 24/7,a contributor for The Odyssey, an IPDA debater on scholarship, and a member of the Student Government Association (SGA) at Union. She is also co-founder of SOSN; she started the blog in July 2014.
This summer Allison interned at the Family Justice Center of St. Joseph County. During her internship, she participated in many training courses to help victims of domestic violence.
“This summer, I was at the Family Justice Center of St. Joseph County. The FJC offers a variety of services in one location to victims of domestic violence. The FJC is survivor-focused, working to break the cycle of violence and allow people quick and confidential access to resources. Specifically, I am currently completing training as an advocate for SOS, which is the rape crisis center in the FJC. SOS operates 24-hour crisis intervention, support, and advocacy for victims of rape, sexual abuse, and domestic violence. Through my training, I have learned a lot about the societal impacts of domestic violence as well as strategies that can be used to break the cycle. I am grateful for the opportunity to have spent my summer working with this program.” -Allison
Allison at the FJC’s “Night Out Against Crime” in August.Since Allison lives in South Bend, I got to see her on the way up to Michigan!
I’ve returned to Knoxville! This summer I started my Masters’ in Public Policy Administration (MPPA) at the University of Tennessee. After finishing the semester, I relaxed on Lake Michigan :).
I am also an intern at UT’s Municipal Technical Advisory Service. This fall, I’ll be creating internal controls checklists for surrounding communities. I have already learned so much.
Speak Out, Speak Now! 